One year later

Oh my, it has been so long since I posted a blog entry. I can't really say that its because I have been busy because I do have a lot of downtime...I guess that I have just been overwhelmed. We have been home from Michaels second surgery for about a month and a half. Things now are becoming more normal. Without the worry of Michael not having his skull, we can now adjust to life the way it will be. Getting his skull put back in has been the biggest relief that you could imagine. Not worrying about anyone or anything getting too close, not worrying about if he lays on one side too long what will happen, not worrying about accidentally hurting him when carrying him around. (I of course still worry, but its just not the same)

Michael has been to many doctors appointments since his skull was replaced and all looks well so far. We go next month to get a CT to see if his body is showing any signs of rejecting his bone. I pray so hard that his body takes his bone and brings it back to life. I DO NOT want to see him have to have this surgery again! But so far so good. One of the other major risks was infection but we have passed that. Prayers are working.

Next I will move into his progression. He is still recovering at a snails pace, but he really does get stronger and stronger everyday. We have been going to therapy at Arnold Palmer 3 times a week. PT and ST have turned into my favorite things. I love seeing him do better and better. He still doesn't have much control over his body. But he gets a little better at it every week. He needs major head support and truck support, however he has started turning his head when someone walks in the room, or sometimes if you talk to him he will turn towards you. This is a big step for him. He stretches sooooo much.  It is so adorable because he always makes a noise when he stretches. I love it. I may be addicted to his little coos.
In therapy they are trying to get a way for him to communicate. If you have ever spent time with Michael after his accident then you can tell that he is aware and he is in there. He is just trapped. So the idea of finding a way for him to communicate even a little has me totally overjoyed. They are working with switches and eye gaze devices. Soon we will have all of this at home, we are just figuring out which device will help him the most. He can use his eyes to work around a screen and pick words and place games. He can use switches to do the same. I have videos of this on my facebook page. He is also learning to play with a tablet a little bit but with the muscle tightness that he has this is very hard for him. But we practice.

He is also going to be getting botox again. This time it will be more focused on his right arm (which did not get it last time, and his left fingers) We have an appointment with the orthopedic doctor next week to check out his elbow to see if it will require surgery to remove the bone growth that is preventing his arm from opening or if hardcore therapy will do the trick. Also they will schedule a surgery date to have the rod removed out of his leg.

So Michael is doing well. We have managed to keep sickness out of our house which is a miracle in itself.

A lot of people are asking how is the family handling it. The answer to this varies.
We have 4 boys.
Hunter, who is 17, and Michael's step brother....he doesn't seem to care too much. He is much older then everyone else, so he isn't as close as the rest of the boys are. He usually just stays in his room. Maybe he just would rather not deal with it, I don't know. He hasn't spoken one word to Michael since he has been home. He calls Michael progress stupid, and has behavior problems (teenage attitude) nothing new, but its a lot for me to deal with on top of dealing with Michael. I do my best but it doesn't seem to be enough. He has started making up lies and trying to run away to his aunt house. (don't worry he was returned the same night) I don't know how to handle him, as I have no emotional energy left so I have begun to just let his Dad handle him.

Titus is 9 and he is handling it like a champ.....or so I thought. He loves to learn how to take care of Michael. He knows how to use the feeding machine, how to attach it and unattach it from Michaels gtube. He gives him water through his gtube. He helps me with anything I need help with when it comes to Michael. He asks a bunch of questions in regards to Michaels recovery. He prays for him everynight. He asks God that when Michael wakes fully up if he can please be the old Michael.

Titus had to write a story that matched this picture for school.

He didnt show me the picture, he just said it had to be about the new year. So I gave him the idea to write about Michael. There is so much that the new year should bring for him. It will be exciting. This is what he wrote. Which completely broke my heart and made me so proud at the same time.

This paper gave me a deeper insight as to what Titus feels. He is hurting. He just wants his brother back. He just wants him to be able to enjoy life again. He just wants to play with him and hear his voice.

And then there is Adler. He is about to be 5. He helps out with Michael too, but he doesn't fully understand what is going on. He knows that Michael got hit by a car. He knows that Michael is different. But he keeps referring to him as not being alive. I told him yesterday that that one day hopefully Michael will be able to walk and talk again and he got sooooo excited. He had no idea that Michael can do things again one day.

Tim is amazing. Michael isn't his biological son, but you would never be able to tell. He works so hard for our family. He gets home, he helps me carry Michael to and from. He helps get his food ready, he gets his meds ready for me...he rubs my back because I am so sore from taking care of Michael. He helps with dinner, he helps clean. He talks to Michael, tries to get him to do things, he helps stretch his limbs. He has never complained about the fact that while I use to always be by his side, I am now always by Michaels side. He has never complained about all the extra money we are having to spend on Michael. He is truly amazing! (I have a picture of him carrying Michael to bed, but he has no shirt on and wouldn't appreciate me posting it)

And then there is me. I am tired. I am exhausted. I cry. I am happy. I miss him. I am thankful for him. I am overwhelmed. I drink lots of coffee and sometimes wine. I wish I could take more baths to relax. But I am too tired. lol. But I am so proud of Michael and so thankful for God.

We got the full accident report this weekend. I read the entire thing, all 122 pages. I already knew everything in it. Michael ran out in front of a jeep. I already knew that no one thought he was going to make it. It was a homicide investigation. But seeing it on paper really hit me hard. Seeing that in part of the report that said it was an accident with a fatality really made me happy sad. Its unbelievable that this is happening to us. Reading the words "it is unknown if the victim will survive" brings tears to my eyes. I have anger. I have sadness. I have confusion. I am scared....still. and yet I have peace. Sounds stupid to have peace and be fearful.....but I do have both.

Reading this report brought back flashbacks of that horrible day.....that horrible first week. We had no idea if Michael was going to live through this.

I look at these pictures often. They make me sad....but they also make me grateful. He has come so far. God let me keep him. I don't know why. During the first few days, I had people telling me to start thinking about donating his organs. Just the thought makes me cry. You never imagine that is something you may have to think about with your own child. But there I was....sitting in the dark, listening to machines beeping....listening to the ventilator, watching the pressure in his brain to see if it was going too high. Hearing the neurosurgeon say that if the pressure gets any higher then there is nothing they can do, they have already maxed out all means to save him....now its up to God. You have no idea the heartbreak that you have when you are nonstop watching a brain wave monitor to see if and when activity will resume. That took days! Days of uncertainty if he had already given up.

A few days shy of 5 months later. Here we are. Wiggling toes. Turning his head. Looking around. Paying attention. Learning to play games with his eyes. He is amazing.

He has no idea how much love we have for him. More so than before. I never thought I could grow my love for my children. I thought it was as big and full as it could get. But nope....it grows bigger and deeper. 

Some other news. We ended up moving Adler into Titus room so that Michael could have his very own therapy gym and classroom. Titus isn't super excited but he is willing to help out even if it means Adler drops things on him from the top bunk. HAHA poor Titus. 

One last thing I wanted to talk about. Children sleeping. I have always loved to watch my children sleep. When they sleep it gives you a bit of calmness. Whether they are well behaved or little brats. Whether they were just happy or throwing a fit. When they sleep it gives you a moment to look at this little creature that was made inside of you. You can see a glimpse of the innocence that they have. You can enjoy a pure moment of uninterrupted love. 

No matter where they fall asleep. :-) 

Watching Michael sleep now gives me so much more than just love. It gives me peace, it gives me comfort, it makes my heart happy. Because if for just a moment, I know that he is comfortable. I know that he is in no pain. You can tell because he sleeps and is relaxed. The muscle tenseness that he has is very uncomfortable and possibly painful. And to know that at least while he is asleep it is something that he is not dealing with. I love it. 

A relaxed Michael = a happy Mommy!

Here are a few pictures I took of Adler and Titus last week, just for fun.

Love you guys! Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying. Thanks for sharing! You guys rock!