Brain injury sucks.
We decided to take a vacation this year. We have been trying to make it somewhat of a yearly thing to take a trip up to the Blue Ridge area in Georgia. But last year we didn't go because of Michael's physical state. This year we thought that he would be well enough to go, not to mention we can't really put everything on hold because of him, we have to start figuring out how to do things, we have to adjust our lives to make it all work, ya know.
So we were planning on bringing him with us. Our plans were to meet my brother and his family at a cabin in GA. But the more we thought about it the more it made since for us to leave Michael with his Dad. We didn't think Michael could comfortably make the long drive and we found ourselves saying that we couldn't do anything that my brother and his family wanted to do because Michael couldn't do it. (horseback riding...tubing....and so forth)
Just the thought of leaving him relaxed me. I would get 6 days without having to wake up early to get him started for the day, I wouldn't have to lift him, I could actually give the other kids undivided attention. It sounded perfect.....until I said goodbye to him. I felt like we were leaving him out, even though I knew that it was best for everyone if we left him. He would be fine. He would be able to stay comfortable. He wouldn't be over stimulated by the car ride or the change in scenery. The other boys could actually enjoy themselves and me and Tim could have a little break. But I still felt like we were leaving him out. We try so hard to never leave him out.
I quickly got over this feeling.
But then we went hiking. We hiked down to two different waterfalls. It was so beautiful. It was hard work getting down there but it was so worth it. The kids had so much fun. But as we were driving off all I could think about is how much the old Michael would have loved that.
I kept thinking about the last time we went to GA, it was about 2 weeks before Michaels accident. I kept replaying moments of him that I remembered from that trip. I was trying really hard to not cry and ruin part of our vacation because of my stupid emotions. HAHA.
I couldn't stop missing the old Michael... and wishing he was with us.
We got back to the cabin, the kids wanted to go down to the river. As I was watching them play I was fighting back those stupid tears again. I was watching them and wondering if they think about what has changed. This is the first time we have been with my nieces and nephew since Michaels accident. Are they missing him?
Is Michael sitting home thinking about what he is missing out on?
I know the answer to both of those questions is probably no, but yet it is all I can think about right now. All I can think about is everything that is missing.... the memories they should all be making together, but can't. Those memories will always be missing.
We leave to go back home tomorrow, my brother and his family are coming down to Florida with us for a few more days. This is going to be the first time his kids get to see Michael in person since his accident and every time I think about them seeing him for the first time I find myself fighting back the tears again. What will they think of him? What will he think? Will he be sad because he can't get up and play with them? It makes me sad that every Summer they have been able to play together and have fun and now they will have to re get to know him again. They will have to figure out the new Michael and understand that the old Michael is gone.
It just makes me sad.
I thought leaving Michael home was going to be the hardest part, I didn't know that being here and having a fun time would make me miss the old Michael so darn much. I miss him so much that I find myself watching the other kids playing and then in my mind I seem to "daydream" the old Michael in there with them. It sounds creepy, I know. HAHA. But I can see his long, brown, floppy hair bouncing in his face with his glassing sliding off his nose...tripping every 5 mins just so people laugh. I miss him.
We decided to take a vacation this year. We have been trying to make it somewhat of a yearly thing to take a trip up to the Blue Ridge area in Georgia. But last year we didn't go because of Michael's physical state. This year we thought that he would be well enough to go, not to mention we can't really put everything on hold because of him, we have to start figuring out how to do things, we have to adjust our lives to make it all work, ya know.
So we were planning on bringing him with us. Our plans were to meet my brother and his family at a cabin in GA. But the more we thought about it the more it made since for us to leave Michael with his Dad. We didn't think Michael could comfortably make the long drive and we found ourselves saying that we couldn't do anything that my brother and his family wanted to do because Michael couldn't do it. (horseback riding...tubing....and so forth)
Just the thought of leaving him relaxed me. I would get 6 days without having to wake up early to get him started for the day, I wouldn't have to lift him, I could actually give the other kids undivided attention. It sounded perfect.....until I said goodbye to him. I felt like we were leaving him out, even though I knew that it was best for everyone if we left him. He would be fine. He would be able to stay comfortable. He wouldn't be over stimulated by the car ride or the change in scenery. The other boys could actually enjoy themselves and me and Tim could have a little break. But I still felt like we were leaving him out. We try so hard to never leave him out.
I quickly got over this feeling.
But then we went hiking. We hiked down to two different waterfalls. It was so beautiful. It was hard work getting down there but it was so worth it. The kids had so much fun. But as we were driving off all I could think about is how much the old Michael would have loved that.
I couldn't stop missing the old Michael... and wishing he was with us.
We got back to the cabin, the kids wanted to go down to the river. As I was watching them play I was fighting back those stupid tears again. I was watching them and wondering if they think about what has changed. This is the first time we have been with my nieces and nephew since Michaels accident. Are they missing him?
We leave to go back home tomorrow, my brother and his family are coming down to Florida with us for a few more days. This is going to be the first time his kids get to see Michael in person since his accident and every time I think about them seeing him for the first time I find myself fighting back the tears again. What will they think of him? What will he think? Will he be sad because he can't get up and play with them? It makes me sad that every Summer they have been able to play together and have fun and now they will have to re get to know him again. They will have to figure out the new Michael and understand that the old Michael is gone.
It just makes me sad.
I thought leaving Michael home was going to be the hardest part, I didn't know that being here and having a fun time would make me miss the old Michael so darn much. I miss him so much that I find myself watching the other kids playing and then in my mind I seem to "daydream" the old Michael in there with them. It sounds creepy, I know. HAHA. But I can see his long, brown, floppy hair bouncing in his face with his glassing sliding off his nose...tripping every 5 mins just so people laugh. I miss him.
Jess, reading what you wrote broke my heart. I "almost" understand how you and your boys are feeling.
ReplyDeleteMy oldest brother was in a car accident when he was 16 years old We lived in Cedar Lake Indiana. I was only 5 years old, my two brothers came to Tennessee on vacation with our cousin. He was in the hospital in Nashville for months in a coma. My parents sold their home up there and moved to Tennessee to be closer to my brother. My brother was never the same after that accident. He had to learn Everything all over again...Everything.. He lived a long life. I lost my son in a car accident so I know some of how you feel 🤗
You feel bad for leaving Michael but your other boys and you and your hubby need to enjoy life every chance you get.. I pray for you often and I think of you and Michael daily.