One year later

 Laughter is one of the sweetest sounds in the entire world. Its something that I think many people take for granted. As a photographer and a Mom I find it very important to spread this happiness through images. I try so hard to get raw moments. And now, at this time in my life, I am forever grateful for the images that I have of my children. But at the same time it makes things hard.

We were sitting outside having a bonfire, burning all the cardboard we have accumulated, It was a PERFECT night for a fire. I have Michael sitting next to me in his wheel chair, the sky is deep blue with a bit of orangish pink, you can see the moon but the sun hasn't gone down all the way. I feel the warmth of the fire, the coolness of the wind. I hear Titus and Adler playing, laughing, crying.....ya know, the usual combination of boy play. And for a split second, I am so happy. Everything is perfect, then I look over and see Michaels face. As innocent as can be. He is giving me a blank....but meaningful stare. His head is turned towards me. He is staring. All I can think about now is how his laughter is missing. Then a tear runs down my face. I miss this boy so much. Its crazy how much you can miss someone who is sitting right next to you. I am heart broken for myself. I dont by any means feel sorry for myself.....but heartbroken....yes, completely. I can be strong for him most of the time....and then other times, I stare at him and ball like a baby, I can't imagine what he thinks when I do this, its probably not good for him, I dont know. But sometimes.....just sometimes, I can't help it. There are so many things I am sad about. But one thing....the biggest thing is, how much of his childhood he is missing out on.
I am the type of parent (I think anyways) that makes sure my kids feel comfortable in who they are and their feelings. I like to let them express themselves as much as possible (in a respectable manner) If they want pink hair....okay....if they want their ears pierced (all boys).....okay. If they want to wear a halloween costume to school, and they are allowed to by their teacher.....okay. I want them to enjoy as much as possible. So to know,  I have a kid, that can't enjoy anything.....it breaks my heart for him. He can't play, he can't laugh, he can't have fun. He can't even enjoy a flipping Dorito taco. He can't play video games. He can't pick out songs on youtube to play in the car. (they always ask to go on youtube and take turns picking songs.....we still give him a turn and guess what he'd pick)   It just really makes me sad.

Today I snuggling him on the couch, trying to take a nap, but I couldn't shut my mind off. I told him that I was sorry for all the times I told him to get off me, or all the times I told him to go play when all he wanted was to sit and watch TV with me. I wished so much that instead of me snuggling him that he could reach over and snuggle me, that he could wrap his arms around me and give me a squeeze. But I know that right now, he can't.
 In church today that Pastor was talking about Hope. Im not sure if that was the main point of the message, but that's what I got out of it. He read Lamentations 3:1-24. I encourage you to read it. It shows that even when life give you lemons.....you have to know that God is going to HELP YOU make lemonade from it.  What happened to us is not the end of the world. It is not the worse thing that could have happened to us. But it is hard. It is darkness. It does...just sometimes....bring me into depression. But I am happy to say that I have never blamed God. I have never said "God, why would you do this to me" But more like " I wonder why God let me keep him"
I know that bad things happen. There isn't a whole lot that you can do about it. You can try to prevent things from happening. And that is great. But sometimes.....they just happen. You'd never know that I talked to my kids at least weekly on the dangers of cars, and roads, and parking lots and how you need to be careful. You'd never know that I don't even let them ride half way down our long driveway on their bikes because I am afraid someone could veer off and hit them even though they weren't near the street. You'd never know that a kid getting hit by a car truly was my biggest fear! Those two little girls came to my house, I answered the door, they said "Michael just got hit by a car".....you know that I looked around for Michael to pop out of a bush or something and say "just kidding Mom"....I said "Your joking......right.....".....Michael never jumped from behind a tree......I was truly excepting to yell at him and tell him that it wasn't funny.  You'd never know the pain I feel knowing that I could have prevented this, had I just told him that he had to wait until I could walk him to his friends house....like I ALWAYS did. But then.....as I even tear up writing this.....it doesn't really matter. Because BAD THINGS HAPPEN. I am so ashamed to say that my son got hit by a car.....because it sounds like I wasn't watching him. Like I let my kids do whatever they want. Like I don't care. But......if you really knew me.....you'd know how horrible wrong that assumption is. I can barely let my kids go on a field trip alone. I think this is the first year I have missed one.
So anyways.....at the end of the passage in the bible, he talks about how he actually has hope. God is faithful....and will be faithful.
I am by no means preaching to you. What I am saying is, I thought that a little over a year ago when my Mom passed away, that it was the worst time of my life....little did I know what I was going to endure within that same year......without her.....without her comfort, support and love. Now I know that this is the worst. Its not just about Michael almost dying. Its about far more than that. I am so thankful that he is alive.....but if you think for  a second that should make anything easier to deal with then you are so mistaken. This is hard. This is heartbreaking. This is frustrating. This is bittersweet. But at the same time. I have hope. I know that God is going to get me and my family through this. There is a reason that God kept Michael with me. I am not sure what it is. I don't pretend that I do. But I do know that there IS a reason. I want to know that reason. I want to be a huge part in the plans that he has for Michael. I remember years ago, Michael was about 4 or 5 and Titus was 2 or 3, I brought them to Don Maidens church. Don has been a huge part of my life since I was young. He meets Michael and Titus for the first time....I, being very favorful to Titus....hear Don say about Michael "God has big plans for this kid.....I just feel it" I said...yeah and Ty too....he said "Yes, Titus is great too....But this Michael.....there is something about him, I just know it.....big plans".......That was YEARS ago....and I have never been able to get that out of my mind....even more so now.
With all of this being said.....I am not depressed....but sometimes sit into depression......I am not stuck in sadness but sometimes cry. I am strong but sometimes weak. But no matter what I am feeling at the moment....I have yet to lose faith that God will do what he has TOLD ME....he IS going to heal Michael. He DOES have big plans for him. There IS a reason this happened to him and a reason he survived. We do need prayers. DAILY.....and I know that we are getting them. But just know.....I know everything is going to be okay......I just need to be patient. Love you guys.