However, as a Mom, taking pictures of her family, I think it is different. My family is what I want in the background. I want to document their lives and their emotions. I want to have something to remember each section of our lives. I am more grateful now, then ever, that I have done this. But it is also so very painful.
I try really hard to not put much thought into what we are going through. This isn't just a time in our lives, but this is a life change for us all. Nothing will ever be as it was.
My mind understands that, my heart doesn't accept it.
So what I do is, I try to only think....and not feel. Sometimes though, it catches me out of nowhere. Sometimes, I will be in the middle of something so mundane and glance up and see a picture on the wall, or a handmade gift or a picture painted and I just break down.
It hurts. Its unexplainable. Its unimaginable. No one can relate, unless you too, are going through this exact thing. We had a child, who had so much personality, so much potential, so much style, so fun, and so full of life. And now we do not. We didn't ask for this, we didn't plan for this, we aren't prepared for this. We can't go back in time and change things. All we can do...is deal. We have to live this new life and let go of the old life. Even when Michael gets a little better, it won't be the same. He is different. I am having a hard time coping with that idea. I don't want him to be different. I want the old Michael, exactly as he was. I want him to act the same, sound the same, feel the same, like the same foods, like the same movies and music. I want all his bad habits to be the same. I want all his good traits to be the same. I want this more than ANYTHING in the entire world.
But I know that he will be different. He will get better, but he...will be different. I love him no matter what. I am blessed and thankful for him. I am inspired by him. I hurt for him. I cry for him. I rejoice for him. And one day, I may be able to let go of the old him and cling to the new him. But I am not there yet. I am still grieving my loss....our loss, his loss.
But when I look at all of these pictures, the pictures I have been taking for years. I don't just see a picture of the past. Seriously, no joke...every picture of him that I look at, a little video plays in my head of that very moment. I remember everything. I remember the moods that everyone was in. I remember what the weather was like. I remember the laughter, the crys, the wind, I remember where we were and why we were there. I remember the moments before the picture and the moments after the picture....and that sucks. One day I will love it, but right now, it just breaks my heart.
I may be just a little overwhelmed.
Me and Tim were sitting on the porch last night. I was a little grumpy. It was one of those moods that you know that no one is being bad, but everything makes you angry. You have to go outside just so you don't yell at anyone for nothing. I knew that I was in a horrible mood and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
When you are self aware of those kinds of moods, it makes it worse. lol. So me and Tim were sitting out there in silence, I was staring at the sky and a tear ran down my face.....and then they just wouldn't stop coming. He asked me why I was crying. I didn't know, so I just cried a little more, I said that I just need a break. Its not the fact that its summertime and the kids are home all day. Its not just my heartbreak over Michaels accident, its not just my exhaustion from caring for Michael, plus the rest of the kids, its not just being a stay at home mom, its not just that I miss my Mom and really need her....its just that I am tired.
Tim said "if only Michael was a little bit better" ....and then more tears flowed. Because would it matter? It wouldn't make a difference. I would still need a break and not be able to take one. I would be equally exhausted. I think that most of my exhaustion is my heart hurts. And taking a break isn't going to fix that.
So I get like that every once in a while, which is why I try to think more than to feel. I start to think about Michael and what he must be feeling and thinking. He is more heartbroken that I am. He is hurt more than I am. He is depressed more than I am. I give him pep talks, which I end up having to listen to myself. This is hard, its only going to get harder before it gets easier. He has to relearn everything. I have to help him. I can't just sit and pout. I have to be proactive. I have to be there to encourage him. I have to be there to push him. And then, when I think like that, I feel honor. How honored am I to be his person. When we go to the doctor or really anywhere where he isn't comfortable, I am where his gaze is. I am his comfort. I am his stability. I am the one that he wants to make sure is there. When he can't focus on other things, I am what he can focus on. When he is suppose to be doing something, like therapy, or eye exams, or school, I find myself having to hide because he just wants to follow me with his eyes. That is honor. He needs me. I am blessed to still have him and I am lucky to be his comfort.
He is in there. He is trying to come out. And he will. I just have to be patient. And I suck at it.
On another note he is having a CT on Tuesday because he is starting to show signs of the water in his brain bothering him. So Tuesday they will see if maybe there is more fluids or if they are going to want to do a shunt or not.
He also had some family from his Dads side come down and visit. They were amazing. Very helpful and wanting to know as much as they could about taking care of Michael. I really appreciate everything you guys did. You are welcome anytime. I know you guys don't live close and you are my ex inlaws but your support and encouragement is so very special! Thank you
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