One year later

One year ago.

We lost so much.

He lost so much.

He is missing out on the best years of his childhood. 

They are missing out of the best memories of their childhood, and replacing them with emptiness and pain. 

I am missing out on watching him change from a little boy to a little man. 

We had just gotten our power back from hurricane Irma. It was a Sunday afternoon. Around 3pm I went to pick Michael and Titus up from their Dads house. When we got home Michael was so excited that we had our power back so he could call his two best friends, Emily and Mykayla.

Now because we had been without power for a week I was so behind on my homework, I had only 3 weeks left of college before getting my Bachelors degree....So needless to say, I had a ton of work to get caught up up. (in case you are wondering, Tim brought a laptop up the the ICU for me to finish my school work so that I could still graduate...and I did)  Michael was on the phone with Emily and asked if he could go to her house. Normally I will walk him there because there is one point (right in front of her apartment) that he has to cross a street. But on this day I couldn't walk him because I was so behind on my homework. I told him he could only go if her Dad would step out and watch him cross the street. So...he left. Within 5 minutes the two girls were at my house. Titus came in and said "Emily and Mykayla want to talk to you".....I wondered..."why the heck are they here, Michael just went to their house".....I am so busy that I kept doing what I was doing.....Titus comes back...."They really need to talk to you". I go to the door....a little frustrated because I am trying to do homework....They say "Michael got hit by a car" (no one seems upset...and this is my worst fear in the entire world...seriously) I say to them "No he didnt"....I look around the yard, waiting for Michael to jump out from behind a bush or something....and then Mykayla starts crying.....My heart immediately broke. I tell them that it isnt funny.....I ask if they are serious and they say yes. I grab my keys, Tim comes running. We rush to where he is. A 16 year old driver, with only a permit and no adult in the car, saw Michael and decided to slow down and wave him across. She said in the police report that she didn't think he was going to go so she never stopped. But at the same time Michael stepped out into the street. He only got hit by the edge of her jeep. He was so close to NOT getting hit that a lot of people thought that he was lucky enough to avoid getting hit. It spun him around, snapping his femer and pelvic bone. His head hit the hood and his collar bone broke. 

Once we got there, I run.....as fast as I could to get to him.....I see him laying there....not moving....people around him. Right before I get too close a Duke energy guy grabs me and says that I can't go over there. I am screaming at him that he is my son and I have to go to him. He says no, and the police officer asked him to keep me from going over there. I have no idea what this means. I don't even know if he is alive at this point. I can just see his body. I just want to go over there and scoop him up into my arms...They let Tim go over to him, he comes back to let me know that he is breathing on his own but he isn't awake. He has a bump on his head but other than that he looks fine. Just then the police officer comes over to ask me to move away from the sight of him because they will be doing things that I wont want to watch. They decided to tube him, even though he was breathing on his own, because at least that way they would know for sure that he was getting enough oxygen. They had to put a little port into his chest because he had a collapsed lung. Then they came over and told me that he was going to be airlifted to a childrens hospital, they just weren't sure which one yet. They ended up letting me ride with him on the helicopter as long as I promised that NO MATTER what happened in flight that I couldn't freak out. That comment in itself made my heart want to jump onto the floor. That was the longest 20 mins of my life. (btw I am NOT a fan of riding in a helicopter...no matter the reason) While we were in the air I could see him but couldnt reach him. In my head I was thinking about how bad I just wanted to put my hand on him and let him know that I am here, and right then, the flight paramedic that was sitting closest to him, reached over to his head and started petting his hair.....just like I would have. Once we got to the hospital I remember a nurse escorting me to security so he could walk me down to the trauma bay. I was standing right outside the door of the bay that they were in, every time someone rushed in there I could see a glimpse of his little feet. It completely crushed me when someone stepped out and handed me his deadpool watch that he always wore and his earrings. They had to rush him into to get an MRI, that is when I finally got a glimpse of the bump on his head. I still had no idea what to think. They had a neuro guy come in and let us know that if there was fluid on his brain then they would put a shunt in. This made me feel a little better....not really sure why. Right as this was happening is when Tim, Nate and my sister got there. They moved us up to the PICU floor waiting room to wait on him to get there. As we are all sitting there, trying to gather our thoughts the neurosurgeon comes in. He explains to us that it is far worse then they originally thought and he would have to have life saving surgery right now or else he wouldnt make it. If we agreed to the surgery there was no guarantee that he would make it out of surgery. I can't even explain to you how I felt the next few hours.....I can just say that it wasn't good. 

When I think back of that time a year ago. I think that it is crazy how someone that you love can be going through such turmoil.....and unless someone tells you, you have no idea. You live your life as it is....mean while we were hurting beyond words. I could not comprehend what was happening. Then I slowly started notifying people. My sister called the family and then I sent only a few texts. I cry when I think about what these people must have felt and thought when they got my text. Something this horrible you never imagine it will happen to someone you love. Like me, they thought I must be playing a bad joke on them.....only to find out that it was real. Michael was fighting for his life. Michael was in critical condition. Michael could, possibly, not make it. 

The neurosurgeon came in and told us that in order to give Michael a chance at survival they had to remove the entire front part of his skull to allow his brain to swell. Once the swelling went down then they could replace it.

This was the beginning of the worse year of our lives. He spent 5 weeks in the hospital and another 5 weeks in a rehab center. (if you read my blogs from those times you can see what he went through) This was ten weeks of me away from my family. This was ten weeks of us living on the grace of my amazing mother in law. She helped us beyond anything I could have imagined. Along with my sister in law and niece. They helped keep my family going. They helped the boys have normalcy. They helped us have a bit of a break. I will forever be grateful for them. Michaels school family made sure the kids were getting to school and back and making sure that they had dinner.

My heart breaks, still to this day, every time I look at Michael.

You wont understand this totally unless you have gone through this same thing. But Sept 17th 2017, my 10 year old son died. He left us. His memory is forever with me. His presence is forever in my house. But he.....he is not here. I have been trying to let go of who he was, I have been trying to remember him in a way that I can let go of him. I still have a son. But he is not, nor will he ever be the same as he was on that day. I love the old Michael, more than my heart can even handle. I miss him so much that it hurts me everyday. But now, now I have a new Michael. I have fallen in love with my new Michael, just as much as the old Michael. I would give anything for that kid. I do everything in my power to make him happy. I am so scared of him living a life that he does not enjoy. So I try my hardest to make sure that he loves life again. When he smiles, it brightens my day. Every time he does something new it pulls on my heart strings. But this is so hard. 

When you look at your child, as a parent, you look ahead, you think of their future. You look at that future with excited fear. You want the best for them and hope that they make the best choices in life or that they are able to learn from the many mistakes they will make in life and at the end of the day they will live a life full of love and happiness. You are curious to see what paths they decide to take. You look forward to the people they become and embrace, you make hopeful plans of your own for their lives....but now when I look at Michael, the unknowns of his future are so strong that all I can feel is fear. All I can think of is a bunch of "what ifs" I am afraid. This....is a horrible feeling to feel. 

With all the fears and heartaches that I feel everyday, I deep down do still have hope. Sometimes it is just hard to see. Sometimes the hope feels hopeless. 

Yesterday I made a video of Michaels progress. Day to day it is so slow. Sometimes even discouraging. But when I put the whole year into 5 mins, you can see Michael starting to blossom. You can see life being brought back into him. Who knows where he will be in another year. He makes me so proud. He is so strong. He is so amazing. I know that God is touching him. I know that God is holding him. I know that one day God will heal him. I don't just say that because it makes me feel better to say, I say that because I truly believe it. I hope that when it happens that there will be no doubt that he is a miracle and his life is a miracle. 

A lot of people reached out to me yesterday, as it was the one year mark of Michaels accident. Yesterday I was fine. Every now and again I would look at the clock and think of what we were doing at that time, a year ago. But let me tell you that today is far worse than yesterday. I knew it would be. Yesterday, a year ago, there were only a handful of people that knew what we were going through. But today a year ago, I announced it to the world. I posted on facebook to tell people, only because a popular news group had posted it and posted his name. I didn't want anyone to have to find out that way so I told everyone. So now, from this day forward, my facebook timehop is going to be filled with heartache. Its going to be filled with amazing support of that time. Its going to be filled with a ton of emotions. Its going to be filled with reminders. When I see those reminders it will bring up the whole day, the days of being told to start thinking about organ donation, of being told that Michael may have already given up, of being told that if one more thing happens then, as doctors, their hands are tied and they have done everything they can do...its up to God and Michael. 

What I was counting on today was seeing my original post telling people what happened....... 

What I wasn't expecting was seeing many other peoples that other people tagged me in. The beginning of a outpouring of love and support. It caught me off guard. You guys are so awesome and the tremendous love hasn't even slowed down one little bit in the past year!

I am thankful. I am torn. I am heartbroken. I am hopeful. I am scared. I am tired. I am excited. I am depressed. I am his Mom. I am here. I am strong. I am so much of everything. 

I remember sitting in his room in the PICU. It had to be dark because he couldn't even handle having the light on. I remember crying silently. I was thinking that this couldn't be happening to me. I could not be a Mom that had a child die. I just couldn't. I had to be able to keep him. I also remember praying that if he was going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life then I didn't want to keep him. And that it wouldn't make any since to me for God to save him and let him be that way forever. What kind of life would that be for him. I wouldn't want to live that way. Its so very hard to imagine your child...so full of life....turn to be so lifeless in an instant. I know that God reached down and wrapped his arms around my heart. He has helped me to keep going. No matter what happens. He has placed people in our lives to help us along the way. Right when I need a bit of encouragement, right when I need a break, right when I need a hug. There have been people PLACED in our lives that weren't there before. People I have never met. Love has overflowed in our lives. Our community has stepped in and taken pain from us. They have taken burdens from us. They have replaced it with joy and happiness. They have placed support in our paths. They have reached in and held our hands, and hugged us when we needed it. I say this often because it is so true, I say this often because you guys keep doing it. But we are so thankful for EVERYONE. People have helped in so many ways, money, dinners, rides, laughs, hugs, prayers, babysitting, house sitting, amazon lists, therapy, home visits, texts and messages. I love each and every one of you. I don't care if I even know your name. I love you and your support.