March is Traumatic brain injury awareness month. (TBI)
Brain injury.
I have been a member of many TBI support groups on facebook. When we first started on this journey I thought that I needed to hear from people who have and are going through what I am going through. As many life changing events, support from fellow survivors or caregivers, is very helpful and needed. What I have learned with TBI is...it isn't always helpful. Every brain injury is different. Recovery for every survivor is different.
When TBI becomes apart of your life you hear many professionals tell you that all brain injuries are different. You hear them tell you that this is going to be a very long road that you are starting on. But you don't truly understand that until the professionals are no longer there everyday. Not until you are alone at home, dealing with the aftermath of what just happened. Brain injury usually occurs in an instance. For us, it is a moment of regret, a moment of "if only I hadn't let him go that day" I will spend a lifetime of wishing I could go back in time. I ended up having to delete myself from those groups. The fact that no injury is the same can be as discouraging as it is encouraging. I watch people who are worse off then Michael recover WAY faster than him. I listen to heart broken Moms talk about how well their children were and then hear grieve their loss. There is no comforting in Brain injury because no matter what you can not compare.
My ten year old asks me all the time "what if" questions or "would you rather" questions. They are usually really dumb, lol. But today he asked me "Mom, if you could trade body's with one person for one day, who would it be" I said "Michael, I would love to let him play for one more day" and he said "me too, I would be in his body and stretch his muscles so that when he got back to his own body he could use them properly"
Holy cow.
This tragic accident has changed us all. These are the thoughts my ten year old thinks.
My six year old, still, 18 months later, prays that his brother will wake up one day. He told me today that is is worried that when Michael finally wakes up that he won't remember who he is.
How freaking sad.
I look at Michael and I have such mixed emotions. I am so in love with who he is. He still brightens a room. He still captures people hearts. He still melts my heart. But at the same time, EVERY TIME I look at him my heart breaks. I tell him in the car on the way to school that I am sorry. I have finally stopped blaming myself, but I am still incredibly sorry that I let him go that day. I let him go because of how happy he was and I didn't want to burst his bubble. I wish I would have just made him upset one more time in order for him to be able to enjoy the rest of his life.
But instead.....I let him go to keep him happy and now I live everyday with regret and pain. I live every day knowing that he can't live the life that he should be able to live.
Brain injury awareness has been argued by my friends that have TBI children. What does awareness actually do.
I hope it teaches you that death is not the scariest most painful result. Drunk driving....you tell people, don't drive drunk because you could kill someone or kill yourself. Brain injury can be worse than death. Brain injury (in our case, right now) is mourning the loss or someone who is still here. You will never truly understand that unless you go through it. I love my son. But the Michael I have right now is not the Michael that I last saw, on Sept 17th 2017. He is though, equally, if not loved, more, but my old Michael is missed more than anything. He will never be replaced, even with the new Michael who occupies his body.
You tell parents, make your kids wear helmets, teach them to look both ways before crossing a street. You teach them as young drivers to pay attention and look out for other vehicles and bystanders. You tell them not to rough house, don't climb trees. No fighting. Broken bones and death are not the worse thing that can happen. Watching a loved one who should be able to enjoy life, lay there, lifeless, and limp. That is pure hell. That is way worse than burying.
I am not at a place in my life where I am thankful for Michael living. I love him tremendously. I appreciate every moment I have with him. I love being a part of his recovery. But am I thankful for him living though his accident....not yet. Do I believe God is going to heal him. YES. But I am not thankful for the life he has to live right now. I am not thankful for the pain we all live with right now.
Will I be, one day. I think so. I believe so.
But for now. TBI sucks. It's nothing to give thanks for. It's something to pray for.
Awareness is key. Don't let your Mom guard down.
Brain injury.
I have been a member of many TBI support groups on facebook. When we first started on this journey I thought that I needed to hear from people who have and are going through what I am going through. As many life changing events, support from fellow survivors or caregivers, is very helpful and needed. What I have learned with TBI is...it isn't always helpful. Every brain injury is different. Recovery for every survivor is different.
When TBI becomes apart of your life you hear many professionals tell you that all brain injuries are different. You hear them tell you that this is going to be a very long road that you are starting on. But you don't truly understand that until the professionals are no longer there everyday. Not until you are alone at home, dealing with the aftermath of what just happened. Brain injury usually occurs in an instance. For us, it is a moment of regret, a moment of "if only I hadn't let him go that day" I will spend a lifetime of wishing I could go back in time. I ended up having to delete myself from those groups. The fact that no injury is the same can be as discouraging as it is encouraging. I watch people who are worse off then Michael recover WAY faster than him. I listen to heart broken Moms talk about how well their children were and then hear grieve their loss. There is no comforting in Brain injury because no matter what you can not compare.
My ten year old asks me all the time "what if" questions or "would you rather" questions. They are usually really dumb, lol. But today he asked me "Mom, if you could trade body's with one person for one day, who would it be" I said "Michael, I would love to let him play for one more day" and he said "me too, I would be in his body and stretch his muscles so that when he got back to his own body he could use them properly"
Holy cow.
This tragic accident has changed us all. These are the thoughts my ten year old thinks.
My six year old, still, 18 months later, prays that his brother will wake up one day. He told me today that is is worried that when Michael finally wakes up that he won't remember who he is.
How freaking sad.
I look at Michael and I have such mixed emotions. I am so in love with who he is. He still brightens a room. He still captures people hearts. He still melts my heart. But at the same time, EVERY TIME I look at him my heart breaks. I tell him in the car on the way to school that I am sorry. I have finally stopped blaming myself, but I am still incredibly sorry that I let him go that day. I let him go because of how happy he was and I didn't want to burst his bubble. I wish I would have just made him upset one more time in order for him to be able to enjoy the rest of his life.
But instead.....I let him go to keep him happy and now I live everyday with regret and pain. I live every day knowing that he can't live the life that he should be able to live.
Brain injury awareness has been argued by my friends that have TBI children. What does awareness actually do.
I hope it teaches you that death is not the scariest most painful result. Drunk driving....you tell people, don't drive drunk because you could kill someone or kill yourself. Brain injury can be worse than death. Brain injury (in our case, right now) is mourning the loss or someone who is still here. You will never truly understand that unless you go through it. I love my son. But the Michael I have right now is not the Michael that I last saw, on Sept 17th 2017. He is though, equally, if not loved, more, but my old Michael is missed more than anything. He will never be replaced, even with the new Michael who occupies his body.
You tell parents, make your kids wear helmets, teach them to look both ways before crossing a street. You teach them as young drivers to pay attention and look out for other vehicles and bystanders. You tell them not to rough house, don't climb trees. No fighting. Broken bones and death are not the worse thing that can happen. Watching a loved one who should be able to enjoy life, lay there, lifeless, and limp. That is pure hell. That is way worse than burying.
I am not at a place in my life where I am thankful for Michael living. I love him tremendously. I appreciate every moment I have with him. I love being a part of his recovery. But am I thankful for him living though his accident....not yet. Do I believe God is going to heal him. YES. But I am not thankful for the life he has to live right now. I am not thankful for the pain we all live with right now.
Will I be, one day. I think so. I believe so.
But for now. TBI sucks. It's nothing to give thanks for. It's something to pray for.
Awareness is key. Don't let your Mom guard down.
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