I was asked to give a testimony at church a few weeks ago about what I am going through. Most of the time I talk about what Michael is going through, or how the other kids are handling everything. Sometimes I talk about how sad I am and how much I miss the old Michael...But I was asked to share about MY journey through this all. It took me weeks to find the perfect words that I wanted to say to express how I am doing and whats going on in my head and in my heart. I want to share it with you guys! Here is what I said...
"As parents, we have a strong hope that our kids will grow up to be decent people, live successful lives, and turn into the adults that we know that they can be. We have a strong hope that we are doing everything right as parents, even though, sometimes it feels like we aren’t. I thought that this “parent hope” was the strongest emotion because with it comes worry. You worry about your kids and their future more than anything. In September of 2017, my hopes and worries were transformed. They were deepened.
My 10 year old, Michael, was hit by a car while walking to his friend’s house. This has been, by far, the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. We went to the scene and saw his little body on the ground. I wasn’t allowed to go up to him. At that moment, I was still very hopeful. I knew that this couldn’t actually be happening….that maybe he just broke an arm or
leg and was knocked out by the pain or shock of it all. This hope was very short lived. They told me that he was being airlifted to a trauma children’s hospital.
My heart was broken. My hope was shattered. At this point in my life, I didn’t have a strong support system. I have family but they were all too far away. I was attending church at Christ Community, but we hadn’t really gotten connected, so I didn’t have anyone to call on. I had my
husband (and his family) and a few friends.
Michael broke a few bones (femur, clavicle bone and pelvic bone), but more seriously he had swelling and bleeding on his brain. He had to have emergency surgery as soon as he got to the hospital in order to save his life. They removed the whole front part of his skull to allow his brain to swell. Where can you find the hope in this? The day before he was fine, and the next day he was so close to death. Unless you go through something like this you can’t comprehend the heartbreak that my family has had to endure. My normal parent-hope was too hard to find. All I heard were doctors telling us that Michael may have already given up or telling us that we may want to start thinking of organ donations. Everything seemed so hopeless.
At this point, we had been in the hospital for a few days and people were showing their support. But I still couldn’t show people where I was emotionally. I felt like, even though it was me going through this, I had to appear to be strong for everyone else. Many people who came to visit couldn’t even handle staying in the room with Michael. It was hard to see.
One night I was sitting next to Michael. We were alone and I was crying. I wished more than anything that my Mom was there. I needed someone to lean on…..someone that I didn’t have to be strong for. That couldn’t happen because she had recently passed away. So in the quiet, I went to God. I begged Him to either take Michael or let him wake up, because I couldn’t handle it anymore. If he was going to be a vegetable for his whole life, then there was no point in him living that way. I asked God to help me. To comfort me. To heal Michael. To comfort him.
No kidding, from that night forward God spoke to me. He showed me that I was to lean on Him. He gave me a Godly hope…..something that can only come from Him. God spoke in different ways, but he told me that everything would be okay. He told me to have faith. I had always told other people going through a tough time that God would be there for them, and that he could do anything. But now it was time for me to start truly believing it, and living it. If I believe God can do miracles for other people than I need to believe that He can do those same miracles for me.
The funny thing is, I thought I didn’t have a strong support system when this all happened. But in my journey, God has strengthened existing relationships. He got rid of the ones that wouldn’t lift me up, and then He created new ones. He has placed people in my life to help me remember the hope that He gave me. I’m not going to lie, some days are still very hard, some days my hope shakes a little….but as soon as it does, God sends someone my way to remind me of His promise. His promise is that everything will be okay!
The difference in everyday hope and Godly hope is” everyday hope” changes. You hope for this and hope for that, and when something doesn’t happen, you just change your hope to something else. Godly hope is everlasting. It is always there, you just have to lean on God. You have to believe Him. With this Godly hope comes faith. They feed off of each other and they strengthen each other. Hebrews 11:1 says that “Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see”. I am sure of what God promised me and I am certain that he is working it all out in time."
When Michael was in the ICU the Doctors kept telling us that we are starting down a very long road to recovery. In my mind that would be months of recovery. I had never experienced someone so damaged that they needed so much care so I didn't know what to expect. We are a little over a year into that VERY long road that they were talking about...I'm not going to lie, it is very hard. It is very exhausting. And I do wish more than anything that this never happened. But this road has also been so rewarding. I have met some amazing people. I have received so much love and support. I have grown in ways i didn't know I needed to. I have been strengthen in ways that I didn't even think were possible. I have learned so much in this past year. Michael has a hard life ahead of him, but we are here to take every step with him, and I know you guys are too. Our "team" keeps growing. With each new person that becomes apart of our lives that is another step in us living with this life change, you guys make it easier and more bearable for us. It doesn't matter if it is someone taking an extra step with Adler, trying to help him adjust at school, or someone asking to buy all 4 of our kids Christmas presents. It doesn't matter if you just want to have a cup of coffee with me or you want to bring us dinner every Tuesday night. It doesn't matter if you buy something off of Michael's amazon list or you go out of your way to say hi to him when you see us out and about, knowing that he can't say hi back. It doesn't matter if you offer to babysit or if you come over to help with bath time with Michael. Every gesture that is made for us doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated. I don't always know how to repay, but one day I will.
Thank you to everyone who goes out of your way to help us. Thank you to everyone who goes above and beyond to make us feel loved. Thank you to everyone who gives Michael a little extra push to get better. You guys rock! I hope you all know how awesome you are!
Back to the long road of recovery. If you didn't know anything about Michael and what he has gone through and how far he has come, he honestly looks like he hasn't gotten any better. He just lays there. He can't talk, he can't follow consistent commands. He can't sit up, or even hold his head up. He can't do anything, really.
But if you have been on this journey with us you know how wrong that all is. This time last year he was just learning to turn his head on purpose. He couldn't even move it from side to side. Now, he is a nosey little guy and turns his head if he hears the door open, he wants to see who is coming in. If he doesn't want you in his face, he turns it away from you. He SMILES and LAUGHS....and most importantly he does it to appropriate things...things that you should smile and laugh at. He has an attitude. He watches TV. He gets excited. He TRIES to follow commands. He IS getting better. He is still very slow at it but he keeps going. He is awesome and inspiring. Im going to show you some side by side images to show you the changes in him!
Keep an eye out, Im trying to come up with something fun for Michaels birthday with is coming up next month! Love you guys!
***a few updates on him if you don't have me on facebook. He is now cleared to have pleasure feeds of pureed stuff. He is doing pretty good with that! Once he gets better at swallowing we should be able to start adding mealtime. He also got a new gtube put in. He had an EEG to see if he has silent seizures so we could take him off of his seizure meds. Test showed that he is not having seizures but is still at HIGH risk of having them, so we have weaned him off of Keppra (seizure meds) we have a repeat EEG this month to see if it is the same or worse and that will determine if he will have to go back on his meds. Since we have come home we have gotten rid of about 7 meds and are left with the two he will be on for good. Had a CT to check for his skull bone decaying. It is breaking apart still, but he is still good enough for us to postpone doing anything about it right now. Still has water on the brain but it hasn't increased so we will just keep watching that. He is back on the botox list for his arms. Should happen within the next 3 months. ***
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