One year later

Man, can you imagine what it is like to be 5 years old? We have all been there before, but can you remember it? It is totally different to experience the age five when you ARE the 5 year old and when you ARE the parent.

I am by no means an expert but I think the age 5 is one of the hardest. This is the age that you often start school. You have just gone through 5 years of being able to be yourself....play, laugh, run, cry,  sleep...anything you wanted to do, you just do it. You have spent your life learning so much. Learning how to roll over, crawl, walk, eat, talk...you learned cause and effect....you learned what makes you happy and what makes you sad. You learned to trust in your surroundings. You learned that everyone has a place in your life. You may not know what that means, but it is still there. You learned basic rules and manners, although you aren't sure yet how to totally place those rules and manners into your life.

You start kindergarten and you are suppose to learn the structure of things. This is where you learn where to place all of these things into your daily life. You learn how to become more Independent. You learn that you aren't alone in how you feel. You learn to start being a productive member of society.

As a parent, getting a child to this point in life is one of the most tiring things we could achieve. You have to teach, teach, teach. You have to dedicate so much of your day into this tiny being, so that you can help them start out life with an advantage. You want them to transition smoothly.

But what happens if they are broken in the middle of this transition? How hard does that make everything be. For parent and child?

A little background to our family. Tim is my husband.

 He has a now 18 year old son.

 He was newly 11 when I came into the picture. Michael and Titus are from my previous marriage. They are now 9 and 11,

but were 3 and 5 when Tim came into the picture and Adler is ours together, he is now 5.

Tim became a single Dad when Hunter was almost 3. I became a single Mom when Michael was 3 and Titus was 1. For very different reasons and situations. We struggled. We fought for our kids. We raised them the best we could. Once we got together it was a bit of relief. My kids were still young enough to be able to adjust to the change, plus their life was not nearly as tragic as Hunters was. He didn't adjust as well as the other two. He had a longer time of just him and his Dad. While Michael and Titus were still young, plus they also had both parents apart of their life to some extent. We had a rocky start as a family. The older Hunter got and the closer he got to his teenage years, the stronger the struggle became. 

Can you imagine being a preteen? We have all been there. But as the actual preteen and being the actual parent, it is a totally different experience. The preteen has spent his whole life knowing that someone is taking care of them, they can play and experiment. They can have fun, they can pretend, they can being foolish, they can just enjoy life. But once you get to that preteen age, your body changes, your hormones change, your view of life changes. Everything that you thought was stable, isnt anymore. Everything you thought was sure, isnt anymore. Your life is flipped upside down and you arent even sure why. 

But as a parent, you know that this is the age when you need to start teaching them responsibility, respect, independence on a whole other level, You want them to find who they really are. You want them to be stronger than peer pressure. You want to have have a sense of  self worth. You want them to enjoy life but still know that there are consequences to their actions. You want them to know that real life is so close to happening and it is effected by all of the decisions they are about to make, so you want to teach them to make good decisions. 

But what if they are broken when this time comes. What if by the time they enter the preteen years they are already broken and noone knows how to fix them? 

In my house...and Im sure every house....every kid is totally different. Hunter was already here when I came into the picture. I don't know how he was from 1-10. But from 11-18, I do know every step of the way. He has anger inside of him from what happened to his Mother. He has confusion of what happened when me and my 2 boys came into the picture. He didn't know how to deal with and adjust to it. This all happened during a hard time in his childhood and therefore caused many hiccups along the way. On my part and his. I did not know how to deal with a teenager. I went straight from having very young toddlers to instantly having a teenager. He went from it being just him and his Dad to having a step mom and 2 step brothers. HELLO.....can we say reality shock. We have butted heads, literally every step of the way. Then add in the fact that as we are trying to teach him all the things you want to teach teenagers he is not only rebelling as a teen but also as a confused and shocked little boy. We want him to learn responsibility, and he does not. Like any normal teenager. He gives half truths and doesn't understand why we do things the way that we do. He finds refuge in his grandaparents. 

Michael was more of an attention seeker. Always wanted to be the center of attention. He was a good kid. But he didn't care if it was good attention or bad attention. He just wanted people to see him. He was still young when we got together but it was still a shock for him to go from having me whenever he wanted to having to share me with other people.

Titus was so little I doubt he even remembers life without Tim. 

Switch to my 5 year old. 

He started school this year. He is not a bad kid at all. He is however a handful. At home he isnt a hitter or a bitter. He is a crier. He crys when he is mad, sad, angry. 

Its crazy how differently everyone can be and at the same time be so similar. 

Adler was 3 when his big brother was tragically hit by a car. 

I can't imagine how this effected him. He doesn't know how he feels about it. He just knows at one point Michael was someone he could talk to, he could play with, he could have fun with. And then, one day he was gone. Michael walked out the door, to go play, and 2 1/5 months later he came back....not the same.He doesn't look the same. He doesn't act the same. He can't talk, he cant walk. He is just a "being" in the room. Someone Adler knows but isn't familiar with. Someone Adler longs for but isn't available. 

Adler is now acting out in school. He is aggressive, He is hitting, not listening, biting. HE can't seem to get through a day of school without an incident. This is not like him. I expected notes home like "Adler needs to be safe at PE"  "Adler needs to stay seated in class" "Adler isn't staying on task" But then notes I am getting are far worse. 

Tuesday he bit a kid at school. We have tried everything....punishing, spanking, taking things away, bribing him. Nothing seems to help. Because of his tuesday incident we took the privilege of watching youtube videos away. He is one of those kids that likes to watch other kids play with toys. Well Wednesday night he came to me and said that if we didn't let him watch youtube then he would get his Grandmas phone number and call her to come and get him so he could live there forever. This truly hurt my Mom feelings. Do our children really feel like we are so awful that they can't bare to live with us because they get a privilege taken away such as youtube or their phone. Is that what we are raising. Is this what the older generation is encouraging? Is this what the current generation things they are supposed to be like. I am not a fan. 

So when Adler tells me this, I say "I don't think so buddy" and he then says" Well then I am going to kill myself so that you are sad forever" 

Are you freaking kidding me....over youtube. 

I have been an emotional wreck today because of what was said last night. It doesn't matter that my 5 year doesn't actually know what it means to "kill yourself" It matters that it is now in his head and in his vocabulary. It matters because now a days 8-10 year olds DO commit suicide. It matters because we do have family that make certain kids think that when we take something away or make them do a chore that we are treating them poorly. It matters because I do not want to raise kids that think if things don't go their way that they can just flee. 

Well today in the midst of my emotional day I got a call from Adlers school that he was being suspended. I had to pick him up and he can't go back until after Thanksgiving break. 

Talk about feeling defeated. A kindergartner that I can't figure out how to help. A 11 year that needs me to literally do everything for him while I mourn the fact that he isn't who he use to be. An 18 year that wants more than anything in this world to leave our house while making everyone who could be family to us, hate us. and then a 9 year old caught in the middle trying his best to help and be strong for everyone else while at the same time trying to figure out who he is. 

Our family is different than many. Each "age category" that they have fought through and are fighting through there is much tragedy to piggy back it. Which in turn makes it so much harder and tiresome to everyone...parents included. 

Sometimes I am fine. Sometimes I go the whole day knowing that"Ive got this" And then other days I can't seem to wipe the tears fast enough. Alot of days Michael overwhelms me. He really does take every bit of energy that I have. He takes all of my thoughts. Everything I seem to do is for him. Everyone else gets my left overs. Michael is over 80 lbs. He is limp. He is heavy. From the minute he gets home from school I make sure he gets moved enough to be comfy and to work his muscles. I work everything around his feeds and his meds....his bath and his home therapy. When I sit down it is usually right next to him so that I can touch him and let him know that someone is here. Shoot, I even make everyone watch shows that I think he wants to watch. So when someone sayd "Mom I need...." or " Mom can you...." It is usually followed with "After I do .....for Michael" or "after Michaels....." I just figured everyone understood and was fine with it. 

Hunter has literally said 2 words to Michael in the 12 months that he has been home. Im not even exaggerating. Titus and Adler do without so much because of what I need and want to do for Michael. I guess I was in denial about the impact this has had on all three of them. I worry so much about what this has done to Michael and I whine about what it has done to my heart that I have forgotten to watch how they are dealing with it. They lost so much that day. As I look back and remember.....Michael was smart, and fun, and silly. But man.....He was the glue to these boys. Hunter said that they were the closest of brothers. Michael and Titus were so close. And he was an amazing big brother to Adler. And now....that glue isn't sticky anymore. Hunter doesn't play or chat with anyone else. Titus doesn't do the things he use to because Michael isn't here to do it with. Adler is so bored because he has no one to play with....that person was Michael. 

How do I fix them? How do I help them?