One year later

I am apart of TBI (traumatic brain injury) support groups of facebook. I have reached out and spoke with a few Moms that have been doing this and living this life for far longer than me. There are 2 people in particular that come to mind, they are both about 6-7 years past their daughters accident. They have had progress, but not as much as I would be happy with. I hope in 6 or 7 years we are way beyond what they have reached. (perhaps that is selfish, I dont know) But when I would look at these sweet girls, all I could think of, is, at least they smile, at least they seem happy. All I wanted from Michael was a glimpse that he was happy. I felt like that would make it be a little easier...I thought it would help me to let go of some of my sadness. But it doesn't. The past fews week have been very bittersweet. He has started to laugh and he smiles a lot now. As sweet as it is when he smiles, as cute as it is when he laughs, I think it has made it worse for me. This isn't all about me. This is his life, it was just taken from him, I know that. But if right now, in his mind it is as simple as a fart that lights up his day....then he is indeed happy. If he doesn't understand what has been taken from him, if he just wonders when the next weird noise will happen, then he couldn't have a better life.....in his mind....because maybe he doesn't know any better.

Let that sink in for a moment. If you want to know what I go through, then, think of your child...think of the laugh they have, the promise they have, the mistakes they learn from, the potential that is there. Think of what they love and what they hate, think about their favorite food and their favorite movies. Think about their hobbies and their wardrobe style. And now picture it ALL GONE. Imagine that every single thing they do is only because you have to physically help them do it, think about the fact that maybe, just maybe you aren't sure what they sound like anymore. Think about their face and how it moves when they smile and laugh and talk...now imagine it motion less. Think about the fact that if you don't change their position enough they will get bedsores they are very easy to get and very hard to get rid of. Think about all of their friends and the things they are going through now, and think how bad it sucks to watch them, knowing your kid should be doing and enjoying the same things. It sucks.

When a parent grieves for their lost child, that has passed away, I imagine there are mainly two reactions, they may both happen at different times in the grieving process. (Im not really sure) But one is....preserving every bit of them and their memory. Not changing their room one little bit, even  if it was a mess when they were last in there. Not taking any pictures down because you don't want to forget. You talk about them always, making sure no one else forgets either.

And the other is to remove every ounce of them. Hide it. So that when you look around you arent reminded of what isnt there. You don't have to feel that feeling of your heart about to burst onto the floor because your body can no longer house it.

These are two extremes, I think. My son is still alive, I can hug and kiss him. I can place my hand on his chest and feel his heart beating. I can see him smile and laugh (even though it isn't the same as before) But Michael....he hasn't shown himself to me yet. He is starting to. But it isn't there yet. Because of how different his laugh is, it makes it hard for me to know that he will, one day, be back. That one day I can have a conversation with him. That one day he will say he loves me. That one day he can eat a taco again.

I use to be very sad about what happened. I use to cry everyday because of my sadness. And maybe this makes no since to you....but since he first laughed. Since his smiles are more frequent, I am angry. I cry everyday because of the anger inside me. I am so mad that this has happened....especially to him. He may not know what he is missing out on but I do. I look at the wall and see his real smile. I see his eyes squint shut because his smile is so big. I see his full mouth of perfect teeth, I see his glasses falling off his nose because he has rough housed so much that they are too loose for his face to hold up. I see IEP papers from when he was in the gifted program, stating all the amazing things he is doing. How developed his brain and mind are, how above normal he really is. How impressive he is....and then see the new IEP papers to where all it says is "Michael can't do....." or "Michael doesn't....." or "Michael will need...." I see the National Honor Society certificate he got, or the pictures from boys camp that he brought home. I see the High Honor Roll certificates that he got every year. I see the box of rocks he has and the joker legoman he wouldn't let anyone play with. I see his bb gun that he always asked if he could go shoot but I said no 95% of the time because I didn't want to go outside and watch him shoot it.

I have always kept a baby book for my kids. I take a lot of photos. The main purpose isn't for me to look back on, because I remember. But it is for them. When they get older they can took at their newborns and say "You look just like Daddy did when he was a baby" Or they can show their kids the drawing notebooks they had as a kid, or their wives can look at all the embarrassing things that they did or said. I was looking through them yesterday and all I could think of was why....why am I keeping Michaels stuff. I even have his clothes, in the hospital bag, that he was wearing when he got hit. The clothes they cut off of him. His favorite shirt that has vomit and blood on it. Why....why do I keep everything. So I can unexpectedly come across them when Im cleaning?

  Am I keeping it so I can cry at what he was? Am I keeping it because I enjoy seeing what he is not? It was the most painful thing I have done. I thought that maybe to make it a little easier on myself I will just throw it all away...everything.... I can take down the pictures off the wall so that I don't get sad or angry every single time I look at our family photos. I can take down the "Mom, I love you because....you are an angel in disguise" picture he made me.

Maybe I need to replace everything that shows what he was with things that show what he is.....but would that make it any better? I don't know. I miss him so much. I have hope most of the time that he will get better. But ya know what, so do all the other parents in the support groups I am in. And they haven't had their dreams come true, their prayers haven't been answered. They have been doing this for YEARS.  First thought is to be thankful that he is alive....but what is to be thankful for? This is not a quality of life I would want for myself, much less my child. This is not a way to live and be thankful. This is horrible. This is sad. This sucks. We haven't even made it to our year mark, and I already feel like I can't do this anymore. I already want to throw the towel in.

But I won't. I will still hold on to the fact that God can do this. He can get us through this. I don't know how, I don't know what it means. But I do know that as I sat here and wrote this blog.....in ugly cry tears, a friend sent me this......Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for YOU, declares the LORD." Dear Woman of God, Be still for a while and praise God for His favor, His grace and His awesomeness. God is able to do the impossible and is always near. He loves us unconditionally.

We are coming up on Michaels one year mark. It's the last 2 months that I will be able to look at my facebook timehop without being reminded of the heartbreak we have been forced to live through. I know it sounds stupid, but once that year mark comes everything will be a little more painful. Because I will be reminded of everything that we have already gone through. I do look back at pictures of his journey. To remind myself of where we have come from and how far we have made it. But being reminded of my words and my feelings....I don't know what that will do for me. 

Anyways, if you don't already know I created a fundraiser through custom ink to sell a shirt that I designed. The money raised will go towards getting Michael some sort of eye gaze device so that he can learn to communicate. The shirts will be in the first week or so of Sept. and then the plan is for everyone to wear their shirts on Sept 17th. (his accident day) . Below should be a link to go buy  a shirt or donate to the cause. Thank you everyone. 

https://www.customink.com/fundraising/raising-money-for-michaels-eye-gaze-machine?ref=copy-link_social_desktop-campaign-page-share-top-v3&utm_campaign=desktop-campaign-page-share-top-v3&utm_content=raising-money-for-michaels-eye-gaze-machine&utm_medium=social&utm_source=copy-link&side=front&type=1&zoom=false