What is this blog to me?
Its like a journal or a diary. I am much better at writing my feelings than saying them or even showing them. When done on a blog, I can let the reader have a little insight of what I am going through, and what I am feeling. Because this particular situation that we are going through is not normal. It is not something that the average person goes through. Blogging helps me express myself honestly.....and then.....if anyone is interested they can read and try to understand what we are going through and how we are feeling. So with this being said....nothing written on here is to "down anyone" or make anyone feel bad. It is simply to express my feelings and what I am going through. It doesn't have to make sense to you, to be a valid feeling for me. So with that being said......here goes.....
It is insane to me, how you can love people so much. They can be apart of your life for what seems like FOREVER....But sadly....as soon as it gets hard....or more like awkward....they disappear. They may still be a facebook "like" here and there.....but there is not communication or involvement.
I hate to say it....but facebook or social media is NOT the same as being there for someone....or even connecting with them.
The sad thing is.....I don't need people to make our family your entire life or your number one priority....but for some of you....I would expect at least a personal text....if not a home visit. What is sad to me....like actually very depressing....is....the people that you would think....or even know....would be your major support through a tough time.....are not. They actually go a step beyond that....they quit making ANY effort to even have you in their life.
When you are young, you imagine your life.....perfect...whatever perfect is to you. When I was 17 my perfect adulthood life was this....I wanted to be an Art Teacher....married with 6 kids. Those were the only things super important to me.....
Here I am....33....a mother of 4. One, challenging....yet very amazing step son. He has so much potential, I just wish he could see it. and then 3 biological boys....all of which are great.....so with 4....I would still ....love a girl. :-) (not going to happen unless someone just gives me their daughter) I just finished my BS so now I am looking to get certified as a teacher. I am married to the most amazing and supportive husband. As of last year...my life was perfect.
I lost my Mom 10 months before my life changed forever. I thought that with the loss of my mom was my biggest loss in life. Their were certain people there for me then...because they needed the same support. But now.....I am going through something much worse. Something, not only do people wish it would never happen to them.....but its one of those things that people just "know" wont happen to them....well let me tell you...its......a tragedy....it is the most intense whiplash of life.
Michael getting hit by a car was not on purpose...it wasn't planned or even imagined. This is something I had nightmares about. He was, the one that I knew would be so successful. And now he can't even figure out how to use his brain. Now when I speak to him I am not even certain that he can HEAR me. It is heartbreaking...to see your first born son, that you have watched grow into an amazing person...just stop.....he seriously struggles with just breathing....let a lone moving and communicating. It sucks to look at him and be able to see the struggle that he is dealing with. He knows that he can't control himself....but he probably doesn't understand why. That is so heartbreaking. Sometimes you can see pain on his face but have NO WAY to tell what is wrong. A mothers instinct is to fix her baby's boo boos...when you don't know what is wrong you can't fix it.
I just feel very sad because the people who were closest to me are now furthest from me. There aren't phone calls or texts....there arent visits or coffee meet ups. There is nothing but silence. (Again FB likes dont count as support)
I just feel very sad because the people who were closest to me are now furthest from me. There aren't phone calls or texts....there arent visits or coffee meet ups. There is nothing but silence. (Again FB likes dont count as support)
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Anyways. The purpose of this blog was to thank the people who have stepped in. While those who are at an arms reach are absent from my life....others have stepped in.
I actually.....no joke...have DAILY conversations.....about just life.....with people I have never met. They make sure I am okay...day to day. They send me texts just see see how I am doing. They make sure I haven't been too sad this week. They run out and make sure someone is there to help me get the kids in to church. They send me care packages in the mail, just to make me smile. They send Michael stuff that he needs. They have been amazing. They even stop over for coffee just so I have someone to chit chat with. It gets pretty boring sitting home all day with a kid that can't talk. They make sure I am not over doing it. They send texts in the morning just to say they are thinking of us. It isn't the people who have know known me for ever.....its my newer friends that are there. For you I AM THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL. (dont worry you few that have always been around.....or have been constant through this ordeal, I am not talking about you....but probably if you think I am talking about you.....I am....and it isnt too be mean. It is to just say.....I am sad about it)
So I am not without love and support. I am blessed. But that doesn't make it hurt any less when that love and support doesn't come from the people who you thought you could lean on in tough times. I don't expect to be anyones main priority. But it really doesn't take much effort to send a text and say "how are you doing today...How is Michael" Sometimes I feel like because I post updates on Michael it gives (mainly family) an out of having to put any effort into communication. They are worried about Michael and then I post updates. But my goodness....Michael is not the only person being effected by this. This is hard on our entire family.
Now I know if you think this blog entry is about you, and you are upset and think it is a two way street....Im sorry but it is not. When someone is hurt and going through something so hard it is not their job to reach out to obtain support.
I actually.....no joke...have DAILY conversations.....about just life.....with people I have never met. They make sure I am okay...day to day. They send me texts just see see how I am doing. They make sure I haven't been too sad this week. They run out and make sure someone is there to help me get the kids in to church. They send me care packages in the mail, just to make me smile. They send Michael stuff that he needs. They have been amazing. They even stop over for coffee just so I have someone to chit chat with. It gets pretty boring sitting home all day with a kid that can't talk. They make sure I am not over doing it. They send texts in the morning just to say they are thinking of us. It isn't the people who have know known me for ever.....its my newer friends that are there. For you I AM THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL. (dont worry you few that have always been around.....or have been constant through this ordeal, I am not talking about you....but probably if you think I am talking about you.....I am....and it isnt too be mean. It is to just say.....I am sad about it)
So I am not without love and support. I am blessed. But that doesn't make it hurt any less when that love and support doesn't come from the people who you thought you could lean on in tough times. I don't expect to be anyones main priority. But it really doesn't take much effort to send a text and say "how are you doing today...How is Michael" Sometimes I feel like because I post updates on Michael it gives (mainly family) an out of having to put any effort into communication. They are worried about Michael and then I post updates. But my goodness....Michael is not the only person being effected by this. This is hard on our entire family.
Now I know if you think this blog entry is about you, and you are upset and think it is a two way street....Im sorry but it is not. When someone is hurt and going through something so hard it is not their job to reach out to obtain support.
The moral to this...and purpose....be there for those you love....no matter what. Because they may TRULY be TOO overwhelmed to be able to put effort back into something that you already let go of. That is where I am at. If you were a part of my life and I dont talk to you at least weekly......I have let go....this post is my last step in letting go. I love you and I am sorry it has come to the feeling that I have to let go...but when I let go I am no longer rejected by you! And I do not need rejection right now!
This blog entry is not meant to get people to start talking to me, or to tell me why they don't talk to me, or to text me and tell me that I could text or call them. It is meant for me to express my feelings and that is what I did. It is also not meant for people to feel bad and wonder if I am talking about you.
I have an Aunt in Texas that sends me a text every now and again. Her texts mean so much to me. She can't be here with me and she doesn't know what to do, but just a quick "Hey Jess, I just want you to know that I am thinking about you guys, I hope your doing well and I love you" That brightens my day everytime I get one. They mean more to me then she will ever know.....and thats all it takes.
Okay, enough of that. Let me move on to Michael.
He is doing so amazing lately. He has started to be able to follow commands with his right side. He is actually putting effort into showing me that he is getting better. He is so extremely strong, I seriously couldn't be any prouder of him. He is getting stronger with holding his head up. He is trying to use his right arm and his right leg. I swear he is trying to talk, he just can't figure that part out yet. He follows things much better with his eyes. He encourages me so much.
We have some projected hiccups in his recovery (fake skull being put in, possibly a shunt....which I know that will help him out...leg surgery coming up in a few months) But we will deal with whatever comes when the time comes. He has proven himself to be a fighter.
I am looking to put him in a special needs school in the fall which I am very excited about. I think it will be really good for him. Turns out he is getting promoted to 6th grade. I guess its a Fl law that they can't retain him in the state he is in (which I am kinda bummed about) So when he finally decides to emerge and get started getting back to normal he will have much to get caught up on. But nonetheless I am excited for him to go back to school.
So I just found out I think I can add video clips. So if this works here is some of the command following I was telling you about! Super awesome!
This blog entry is not meant to get people to start talking to me, or to tell me why they don't talk to me, or to text me and tell me that I could text or call them. It is meant for me to express my feelings and that is what I did. It is also not meant for people to feel bad and wonder if I am talking about you.
I have an Aunt in Texas that sends me a text every now and again. Her texts mean so much to me. She can't be here with me and she doesn't know what to do, but just a quick "Hey Jess, I just want you to know that I am thinking about you guys, I hope your doing well and I love you" That brightens my day everytime I get one. They mean more to me then she will ever know.....and thats all it takes.
Okay, enough of that. Let me move on to Michael.
He is doing so amazing lately. He has started to be able to follow commands with his right side. He is actually putting effort into showing me that he is getting better. He is so extremely strong, I seriously couldn't be any prouder of him. He is getting stronger with holding his head up. He is trying to use his right arm and his right leg. I swear he is trying to talk, he just can't figure that part out yet. He follows things much better with his eyes. He encourages me so much.
We have some projected hiccups in his recovery (fake skull being put in, possibly a shunt....which I know that will help him out...leg surgery coming up in a few months) But we will deal with whatever comes when the time comes. He has proven himself to be a fighter.
I am looking to put him in a special needs school in the fall which I am very excited about. I think it will be really good for him. Turns out he is getting promoted to 6th grade. I guess its a Fl law that they can't retain him in the state he is in (which I am kinda bummed about) So when he finally decides to emerge and get started getting back to normal he will have much to get caught up on. But nonetheless I am excited for him to go back to school.
So I just found out I think I can add video clips. So if this works here is some of the command following I was telling you about! Super awesome!
Thank you all for your love and support! You guys are awesome! Im just struggling with some things. It's a learning experience for me in more ways than one. I am thankful for the people who have stepped into my life! Its a new season for me!
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