Again, it has been so long since my last blog. Things are either hectic or I am so exhausted. To be honest I usually blog when I am sad. It helps me to sort out my thoughts and then I really do feel a little bit better.
I have been super emotional the past few days.
What we are going through is something that no one would ever imagine they would be dealing with. And really, it isn't even a "dealing with" kinda thing, it's more of a change in lifestyle that is ultra exhausting. I try to not "complain" as much as I want to "explain". I am beyond thankful for where we are with this family adjustment...but that doesn't mean I don't wish, with everything in me, that this was a horrible nightmare that we could all wake up from.
Let me tell you what this year was suppose to be. I LOVE being a parent to kids that go to school. Elementary school more so than others. Only because in k-5th grade the kids are still obsessed with their parents. They still express their joys and interests. Once they get into middle school it all starts to go away, they start wanting them be by themselves and don't want to participate with the family. From the day I dropped Michael off at kindergarten I could not wait for him to get into 5th grade.
Then he could be the "top dawg" of the school. He could be safety patrol, he could help out with the little kids, he would get the graduate from the 5th grade. This was his year to transition from little kid to teenager. This really was the first step in him growing up, finding himself, and being himself. He went to a 5th grade graduation when he was in 3rd grade, he was in boy scouts and did the flag ceremony. It was such a cool thing and it made me even more excited for HIS 5th grade graduation. This year, Titus was in boy scouts and I got so excited, how cool would it be for Ty to do the flag for Michaels graduation. .....from the 2nd day of school Michael was so excited because he found out that he did get picked for safety patrol. He could NOT WAIT. His accident was one month into 5th grade. He never got to wear that stupid reflector belt, that I know for a fact would hang off of him because he was so puny, his backpack was even too big. haha.
This whole thing is awful. There is no getting use to it for me. There may be people who have forgotten, or in their heads, they have made him better off then he really is....but for me, and my family, this is, oh so real. But I feel like most of the time I can deal with it. I can KNOW that he will get better, one day he will talk again, and walk again, and go back to school. But some days it is hard to see that far in the future. It's too far away and seems too impossible.
I love Michaels 5th grade teacher from Janie Howard. She was also his 2nd grade teacher. We know her well and we love her. Through out 3rd grade and 4th grade, we just knew we would get her again and Michael was so excited for that. She was excited for that, because after all, he was her favorite student. Riiiiight, Mrs Redmon, I know your reading this. I know for a fact that Michael means a lot to her. Sometimes I think back of that day, the day of his accident, I texted her and said "Michael was hit by a car and is in critical condition" Can you imagine what she thought? It literally makes me cry when I think of it, I wonder what she was doing....probably relaxing with her husband, and you get a text that one of your students may not live through the night. Other than my closest family, she was at the hospital more than anyone else. She has done so much for our family. She means more to me than she will EVER understand.
So I get a call from her. She say "hey I want to do a dedication to Michael in the year book, got anything in mind?" So I throw this together.
But then I start to think, in a few weeks, he will have missed all but one month of 5th grade. The one grade we were so stoked about. I cried about 5th grade graduation during the first week of school. And here we are.....its about to happen. So I send her this, she loves it, then asks if I can send her some baby pictures of Michael and other pictures for the slideshow during the graduation. I say yes and, in my head, say "please dont ask me to go, please dont ask me to go" Knowing that I really did want to go. And there it was, my phone dings. "are you planning on bringing him or no?" Instant tears roll down my cheek. Of course I want to bring him. But I had that knot in my throat, you know that one where you want to scream cry but you can't because then someone might know that your crying. I said "of course I want to bring him, but I will need a whole box of tissues"
While I was texting her, I was also on the phone with my brother who lives in TX. My brother is one of those guys that tries really hard to shield himself from showing emotions. He is one that if he cries you know it is a HUGE deal to him. Well I was telling him about our texts and he choked up. Which added to my emotions. My brother came down the day after Michael got hit. I vividly remember him first walking into Michaels room, the light was out because Michael had to stay in darkness and quietness, I could see Josh just start crying because he looked at Michael.
Josh is 1 year older than me, we have always been close. He had a daughter in jan 2007 and I had michael in feb 2007. So our kids are the same age. After he went back home I didnt hear from him for a while, he texted me one day and apologized, he said that he hates looking at pictures of Michael because all he can think about is what he is missing out on. He sees other kids his age and he can only think of the things Michael can't do anymore.
We have a clan in our family. My uncles Darrin and Darrell, aunt Sara, cousin heather, brother Josh and his sister in law all have kids the same age, they are all in 5th grade going into 6th. Im not sure what that means for them, but here, that means you start MIDDLE SCHOOL. Not to mention all the friends I have with 5th graders, 2007 was a popular year for people to have babies :-) But now, I see all over facebook is families getting ready for a new adventure, middle school. And as happy as I am for you....I am sad for us. I long for that, I want that so bad.
I want to go to his graduation, but I can't, probably for the best, its the same day and time as Adlers preschool graduation. So we will go to Adlers. But now all I can think of is not how far Michael has come but where I wish he was. Where I wish he never left. I want him to be celebrating with his friends, I want to stay apart of our family clan, lol. I want to cry at his graduation because I am happy not because I am so incredibly heartbroken. I hate this, more than anything in this world. We are at a stand still in his life and we have no idea how long it will last or where we will go. But what I do know is, it isnt what it should have been and we can't go back.
I really feel like so far I have been so good at keeping positive, even when I am sad. But sometimes I just need a bigger sign of progress. I am thankful for where we are at the same time as selfish of where I want us to be. I hear of other people who have loved ones with brain injuries that are newer than Michaels and are so far ahead of him. It makes me sad. I have faith that God will heal him but at the same time, wonder what I am doing wrong, why hasn't he progressed more, is it my fault? Is God mad at me? Does he think I don't deserve Michael? Does he think I don't deserve a miracle?
The encouragement and support you guys give me and my family helps so much, even if its just a simple text of "how are you doing? How is Michael" That does wonders.
I am tired, it has been almost 7 months since Michaels accident. I am not trying to get people's pity or anything but please understand this is 7 months of a mothers broken heart, 7 months of worry, 7 months of wonder, 7 months of the unknown, which I must add is so exhausting. 7 months of carrying an 80 lb limp kid all over, 7 months of no sleep, 7 months of driving to orlando a few times a week, 7 months of lifting a wheelchair into the van, 7 months of sadness and depression. 7 months of managing him with the rest of the somewhat normal family. I am tired, exhausted, sad, grumpy, and imperfect. I want this to be over more than anyone else.
We have a busy week ahead of us and prayers are so welcomed and needed. Monday we go and have a reconstructive ct scan, then an immediate appointment with neurosurgery to find out if his body is rejecting or accepting his skull. Kids have a much higher chance of rejecting it. Once we find out where his body is headed we will discuss what road we will take. And then our other major appointment next week is friday and we will be getting him botox on his arms, they are putting him to sleep for this and that makes me a bit nervous. We have 3 other appointments also but they are more routine....leg braces, therapy and check up for his busted eardrum. Please keep us in your prayers, our whole family. We are learning to get through this hard time without some very important family members. It is hard. We are all 6 adjusting, one day we will get it right. Until then we will keep trying.
Thank you for all of your support. We have had so many people purchase things from his amazon list. This has been so helpful to our family. I tried to either send fb messages or amazon thank you cards. If you sent something and didn't get a message please let me know because I meant to!!!!!!! You guys are truly a Godsend!!!!!!!!!! Nothing goes unnoticed or unappreciated.
I have been super emotional the past few days.
What we are going through is something that no one would ever imagine they would be dealing with. And really, it isn't even a "dealing with" kinda thing, it's more of a change in lifestyle that is ultra exhausting. I try to not "complain" as much as I want to "explain". I am beyond thankful for where we are with this family adjustment...but that doesn't mean I don't wish, with everything in me, that this was a horrible nightmare that we could all wake up from.
Let me tell you what this year was suppose to be. I LOVE being a parent to kids that go to school. Elementary school more so than others. Only because in k-5th grade the kids are still obsessed with their parents. They still express their joys and interests. Once they get into middle school it all starts to go away, they start wanting them be by themselves and don't want to participate with the family. From the day I dropped Michael off at kindergarten I could not wait for him to get into 5th grade.
This whole thing is awful. There is no getting use to it for me. There may be people who have forgotten, or in their heads, they have made him better off then he really is....but for me, and my family, this is, oh so real. But I feel like most of the time I can deal with it. I can KNOW that he will get better, one day he will talk again, and walk again, and go back to school. But some days it is hard to see that far in the future. It's too far away and seems too impossible.
I love Michaels 5th grade teacher from Janie Howard. She was also his 2nd grade teacher. We know her well and we love her. Through out 3rd grade and 4th grade, we just knew we would get her again and Michael was so excited for that. She was excited for that, because after all, he was her favorite student. Riiiiight, Mrs Redmon, I know your reading this. I know for a fact that Michael means a lot to her. Sometimes I think back of that day, the day of his accident, I texted her and said "Michael was hit by a car and is in critical condition" Can you imagine what she thought? It literally makes me cry when I think of it, I wonder what she was doing....probably relaxing with her husband, and you get a text that one of your students may not live through the night. Other than my closest family, she was at the hospital more than anyone else. She has done so much for our family. She means more to me than she will EVER understand.
So I get a call from her. She say "hey I want to do a dedication to Michael in the year book, got anything in mind?" So I throw this together.
While I was texting her, I was also on the phone with my brother who lives in TX. My brother is one of those guys that tries really hard to shield himself from showing emotions. He is one that if he cries you know it is a HUGE deal to him. Well I was telling him about our texts and he choked up. Which added to my emotions. My brother came down the day after Michael got hit. I vividly remember him first walking into Michaels room, the light was out because Michael had to stay in darkness and quietness, I could see Josh just start crying because he looked at Michael.
Josh is 1 year older than me, we have always been close. He had a daughter in jan 2007 and I had michael in feb 2007. So our kids are the same age. After he went back home I didnt hear from him for a while, he texted me one day and apologized, he said that he hates looking at pictures of Michael because all he can think about is what he is missing out on. He sees other kids his age and he can only think of the things Michael can't do anymore.
We have a clan in our family. My uncles Darrin and Darrell, aunt Sara, cousin heather, brother Josh and his sister in law all have kids the same age, they are all in 5th grade going into 6th. Im not sure what that means for them, but here, that means you start MIDDLE SCHOOL. Not to mention all the friends I have with 5th graders, 2007 was a popular year for people to have babies :-) But now, I see all over facebook is families getting ready for a new adventure, middle school. And as happy as I am for you....I am sad for us. I long for that, I want that so bad.
I want to go to his graduation, but I can't, probably for the best, its the same day and time as Adlers preschool graduation. So we will go to Adlers. But now all I can think of is not how far Michael has come but where I wish he was. Where I wish he never left. I want him to be celebrating with his friends, I want to stay apart of our family clan, lol. I want to cry at his graduation because I am happy not because I am so incredibly heartbroken. I hate this, more than anything in this world. We are at a stand still in his life and we have no idea how long it will last or where we will go. But what I do know is, it isnt what it should have been and we can't go back.
I really feel like so far I have been so good at keeping positive, even when I am sad. But sometimes I just need a bigger sign of progress. I am thankful for where we are at the same time as selfish of where I want us to be. I hear of other people who have loved ones with brain injuries that are newer than Michaels and are so far ahead of him. It makes me sad. I have faith that God will heal him but at the same time, wonder what I am doing wrong, why hasn't he progressed more, is it my fault? Is God mad at me? Does he think I don't deserve Michael? Does he think I don't deserve a miracle?
The encouragement and support you guys give me and my family helps so much, even if its just a simple text of "how are you doing? How is Michael" That does wonders.
I am tired, it has been almost 7 months since Michaels accident. I am not trying to get people's pity or anything but please understand this is 7 months of a mothers broken heart, 7 months of worry, 7 months of wonder, 7 months of the unknown, which I must add is so exhausting. 7 months of carrying an 80 lb limp kid all over, 7 months of no sleep, 7 months of driving to orlando a few times a week, 7 months of lifting a wheelchair into the van, 7 months of sadness and depression. 7 months of managing him with the rest of the somewhat normal family. I am tired, exhausted, sad, grumpy, and imperfect. I want this to be over more than anyone else.
We have a busy week ahead of us and prayers are so welcomed and needed. Monday we go and have a reconstructive ct scan, then an immediate appointment with neurosurgery to find out if his body is rejecting or accepting his skull. Kids have a much higher chance of rejecting it. Once we find out where his body is headed we will discuss what road we will take. And then our other major appointment next week is friday and we will be getting him botox on his arms, they are putting him to sleep for this and that makes me a bit nervous. We have 3 other appointments also but they are more routine....leg braces, therapy and check up for his busted eardrum. Please keep us in your prayers, our whole family. We are learning to get through this hard time without some very important family members. It is hard. We are all 6 adjusting, one day we will get it right. Until then we will keep trying.
Thank you for all of your support. We have had so many people purchase things from his amazon list. This has been so helpful to our family. I tried to either send fb messages or amazon thank you cards. If you sent something and didn't get a message please let me know because I meant to!!!!!!! You guys are truly a Godsend!!!!!!!!!! Nothing goes unnoticed or unappreciated.
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