One year later

I remember when the biggest struggle I had was the fact that I had four boys. Life was busy. Life was loud. Life was dirty. Life was nerve racking. Life was exhausting. Life was perfect. I remember people ALWAYS saying "Man, I don't know how you do it with four boys, I can barely handle one" or "God only gives special Moms all boys" or "If I had my son first, I wouldn't have any other children"   This always made me smile because as much as I want a girl (so bad) I have no idea what I would do with one. I have a boy heart. I was made for boys. My guys frustrate me, anger me, make me drink wine....lots of wine....they also make me so proud, they make me laugh, they make me feel so lucky to be their Mom and I honestly don't think that I could ever imagine my life again without these four boys. Every way that I am is because of these boys. Every single one of them has something so special about them. I tease (or not) that Titus is my favorite. (Dont Mom shame....if you can't admit you have a favorite....your in denial) But the fact of the matter is, they all have parts of them that are totally amazing, and parts that need a lot of work. I, as a Mom, NEED these boys.

                                      (Photo credit to Christen Kauffman)

(I believe) Every woman going through pregnancy wants two things for their unborn baby. Everyone wants a cute baby and a healthy baby. I was lucky enough to have three extremely healthy and adorably cute kids. (Wasn't sure how cute Titus and Adler were going to be after birth...but they turned out pretty darn cute) Then I was lucky enough to get a smart, hardheaded, handsome bonus son. If you have easy pregnancies and births, you don't realize how many pregnancies and births don't end so well. I have had friends and family have huge issues in this department and it really has made me more thankful for the way my life has turned out. Everyone is not so lucky.

What I am trying to say is....I am so thankful for my family. I am so thankful for the chaos, the busy days, the loud household, the dirty house, the smelly boys, the wet bathroom floor, the socks stuffed in the toy boxes, the sticky floors, the marker on the walls, the scratched paint on the cars, the mountains of laundry, the late night talks, the endless hugs, the sticky kisses, the forever goodnight hugs and kisses and requests for water, the pee on the toilet seat, the messy haired mismatched wardrobes. I love it all. The good and the bad. And now, as crazy as it might sound, I am thankful for being able to do tube feedings, changing diapers, giving bed baths, rubbing his feet, rubbing lotion all over him, brushing his teeth, carrying him around the house, snuggling him while everyone is at school, doing his arm and leg exercises, reading him books, giving his medicine, and soon getting him to doctors appointments. I know that this road to recovery we are on is a loooooong hard road. But I am so thankful for it. I am thankful that when I look into Michael's eyes I really, truly, honestly thinks that he knows and understands that as hard as this is for him (which I can't even imagine how hard this is for him) He knows that I am right here with him, I am taking this same road to recovery. Our whole family is. As he heals we will heal. Everyone is handling this like champs.....but we hurt. We ask him questions and it hurts to not get an answer. We say I love you and it hurts to not hear it back. So as he gets better, we get better. When he looks at me I think that he knows he is not alone. And I am thankful for that. I am thankful for all of this because.....it is only by Gods grace that we get to experience this. I don't look at this like "Why would God allow this to happen" But I look at it like "Thank God we still have him, thank God that he spared his life, thank you God for letting me still get to kiss my son and touch my son and see my son" There are so many people that didn't get the chance to have another chance. So many of my friends would do anything for one more hug, or one more kiss. I still get that. I am blessed. Truly blessed. So while this is a tough time for our family, we are adjusting and we are thankful.

I say all of this because...Tis the season.....the holidays are full of family and love.....for some. And for others it is a hard time. Our holidays aren't going to be what they have been, but we are together and that matters more than anything. I especially think of the broken hearted Moms this year. Connie, Constance, Mary, Serina, Kayla, my own Grandma, there are more I am sure. But you guys come to the top of my mind.
I was just telling one of you this week that a Moms love, I think, is the strongest of all loves. Once you become a Mom, you gain an instant connection to ALL Moms, so when one hurts....we all hurt. Its just that strong of a love. You see one Mom hurt and you can get as close to that feeling of pain as possible without actually feeling it. You hurt for Moms you don't even know. I know this because I feel this pain for others, and I have felt the love of other Moms because of the pain they have felt for me. It is very powerful! So this year....do something nice for a hurting Mom. Luckily this year I do not have to have my first Christmas without one of my kids. But some people are.


On another note! Just wanted to get you guys ready for our Christmas picture this year...I will be doing it on Sunday! Here are a few from previous years.

Love you guys!