One year later

As many of you know, we are the definition of blended family. We have four boys. Hunter is about to be 17, he is my step son, his mother passed away when he was a toddler. Michael is my first born. Titus is my second, both from my first husband. And then Adler is four and he is mine and my husbands. So every kid is mingled together but it a totally different way. We all have different bonds but in different ways. Everyone special...in their own way. But to me Michael is so very special. He is my first born. We spent his entire first year....just me and him because his Dad was deployed. He made me a mother, He has always been my very first EVERYTHING.

I sit here alone in his room with him. My husband in the shower, my other kids at home, his Dad spending the night with Titus.....and all I can feel is fear.

It is not fear of what I will have to encounter, or fear of what he will become, but its fear of the potential I know he had....has.....and what kind of life he will live....or not live.  I am totally fine with being strong at the hospital because I have come to know a new form of Michael, it is not the one I saw last, on September 17th....before he went to his friend Emilys house.....it is the one I saw that night, after surgery in the PICU. And since then all I can see is progress. All I can focus on is everyday the new things that he is learning or tolerating. I feel like if I focus too much on the Michael I saw THAT DAY then I will be too sad about the stumbling blocks that he has ahead of him....and not happy about the progress that he makes everyday.          That is why I HATE going home. When I go home I miss the Michael that I let go to her house, the Michael that is Mrs Redmons class, the Michael that wants to watch youtube, the Michael that wants to play in the orange groves. Right now I need to focus on the Michael that needs to not have a fever, and the Michael that needs to cough up the gunk in his throat, the Michael that needs to stop drifting to his left side to lay, the Michael that sweats too much during the day. The Michael that gets feed through a tube and not a slice of pizza. The Michael that I can't snuggle with but I can hold his hand tenses too much.

We go to dinner and I watch other people eat, and other people socialize.....all I can think about is "they think their problems suck so bad" " But are they?"     I still can't believe this is happening to me and my family. Not that I had a perfect family......But I love my kids truly more than anything in this world. Yes, I yell......Yes I make them do homework when they dont want to, yes I make them do chores......yes, I dont put up with back talk.......yes I say things I probably shouldn't say.....yes, my neighbors probably think I am a psycho mom....but I dont care. Because I am raising my kids to have respect, be smart, be caring, and be awesome MEN. So to me they are my world. And to have one of them be not only hurting.....but have something that may effect their quality of life.....and I could have prevented it.......I just can't deal with myself. I love this kid more than anything and I just want the best for him. I am here for him no matter what. I am just hurting so much for him and so heartbroken for him. And to think.......other peoples biggest problem are they weren't tagged in a facebook post.....it just makes me so angry because that is so petty.


On another note.....he is doing good today. His neuro storming seems to be under control. And hopefully we will be going to rehab on Monday or Tuesday. A part of me is hopeful.....a part of me is scared.  He is doing much better than he was.......no doubt. Am I still scared......Is he still doing bad....YES. I can be scared and still have faith that God will fix this. And I do. Sometimes it just is overwhelming.

( I am on the phone with my sister....crying.....)

I am not trying to forget Michael.......I am trying to not remember. I am trying to only focus on the current situation because....to me....its easier that way and I am not trying to focus on anything that is going to make it any harder.
Michael may not come back to us as he was, So for me, not focusing on who he was.....but who is he....I feel like I am trying to set him up for only success.

This whole thing sucks. I dont know what to think, how to feel, what to cry about....what to be strong about. All I know is I love him. Who is was, who is is, and who he will become. That may sound strong to you.......but my heart is totally and utterly broken.